Wednesday, June 07, 2006

What's another way to say 'stupid-dumb-idiot'? K. FED!!

The gossip world is abuzz with the idea that perhaps Britney Spears has finally ditched K. Fed. While I'm happy for her, I actually feel bad for him. I mean, what kind of idiot would give that up? This chick has millions. All he had to do was relax and collect his checks. Instead, he actually managed to piss her off to the point that divorce is an option. Is he crazy or just retarded? There is no way anyone could convine me to mess that up. I mean, she was his goose who laid the golden egg (I'm looking at you, Sean P.). Once she was sperminated, K. Fed should've been set for life. Why is he so intent upon unleashing his horrible music on the world. NOBODY WILL BUY THAT SHIZZ. If they do, it will only be to mock him. Let me tell you something: I am a straight woman, but if Britney Spears wanted me, it would be over. I'd pack up and move into her mansion and you would only see me in the papers at her side, holding her hand for the cameras. I'd be the most loyal life partner anyone ever saw. There would be nothing about me boozing it up and acting an ass in the papers. Not that I wouldn't do it, but I would be very low-key, so as not to upset my Brit. He is so stupid. This is a guy who had his car repossesed right before he got with Britney. One would think that he would try to hold on as best he could. I know he'll get some money in the divorce, but it's nothing compared to what he would be getting in the marriage. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB!!!!

Note to K. Fed (that name is so ridiculous, I have to use it): Stop being stupid, forget about your nonexistent rap career, and try to get your wife back. Better yet, leave it alone, and maybe she'll give me a chance.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Blind Items

From Page Six:
WHICH super-skinny celeb says she wants to gain weight but can't? Seems that when she was not so thin, she had her stomach stapled and is stuck with her skeletal look . . . WHICH Hollywood starlet, who's earned a rep for sleeping with almost anyone, is now into threesomes? She likes to get it on with two guys at once in club bathrooms . . . WHICH young, divorced celebrity left her man because she thought she had found true love with someone else? Sadly, the guy she had an affair with freaked out when she left her husband for him and hasn't called her since . . . WHICH actress is so desperate for male attention, she's been known to turn into a "psycho-stalker?'' After her last one-night stand, her conquest, whom many assumed to be gay, said he couldn't get rid of her.

Usually, I have no idea who they're talking about, but some of these are obvious. Guess they didn't pay up. Anyway, #1 is Nicole Richie, right? I'm iffy on this one, but didn't her ex DJ A.M. have that procedure. Maybe she figured it could work for her since it worked so well for him. She needed to drop a few pounds after rehab. I don't know about #2. #3 has to be Jessica Simpson. She thought Adam Levine was gonna be her man, so she dropped Nick like a hot potato. Finally, #4 is definitely Teri Hatcher. Who did she think she was fooling by going out with big 'mo, Ryan Seacrest. Whaddaya think?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Ding dong the douche is gone (a.k.a. Real World/ Road Rules: New Meat)

Okay, so is anyone else watching the Real World/ Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat? I originally thought this was a horrible idea for a few reasons: 1) I am not really interested in seeing people who I haven't already come to love or hate in one of these challenges. Just bring back Coral and let her open up a can of whup ass on the others, especially the dumb Austin cast. 2) 4 members of the Austin cast were being included and they all suck. Well, I can admit when I'm wrong, and this show has won me over. First of all, my girl Coral is back in full effect, although I would greatly appreciate it if she downsized her nose ring to something smaller than a bracelet- a nice diamond stud, perhaps. Secondly, I am a fan of anything that pits Wes against Danny, splits up Melinda and Danny, and makes Danny the ultimate loser, all at once. (Beginning to detect a little Danny hatred?) That guy is a tool, and I have no regard for Melinda because she has been sucked into his vortex of idiocy. That said, I LOVE that Danny was the first one to be sent home. I also love that all of the other vets, along with the fresh meat, also seem to hate the Austin cast. Who the hell are they to kick people out of the bedroom so that they can have a Jo/Wes/Danny/Mel lovefest? I bet Melinda is going to be really lonely in that room now that Jo and Wes will be bumpin' uglies (I'm looking at YOU, Wes) while she pines away. She should just quit now. I hope the vets get their wish and send all of the Austin cast packing one right after another.
Oh, and I love how Coral found her new Miz and they are rocking the competitions. I hope all of this early victory isn't just another Bunim/Murray setup for a big loss against someone who sucks like Tonya or one of the Austin douches. Also, I really like Tina, too. She's funny.
I know this isn't a recap, but the most important thing to remember is that Danny is the big, fat, stupid, short-brimmed hat-wearing loser. And that is all.

The Hills recap episode 1

Okay, so The Hills finally premiered last night. I've been waiting for this show since the end of last season's Laguna Beach. The show opened up with Lauren (too grown to be called LC, are we?) packing her bags and driving to L.A. When she arrived, she immediately met up with sidekick Heidi and had a look at their new apartment. Because I watched the Laguna marathon last weekend, I know that Heidi was the girl at the fashion show (the one where Jason kissed Jessica) who did the catwalk with Kristin. Am I the only one who noticed how chummy Kristin and Heidi looked on the runway? Aren't they sworn enemies because of Heidi's allegiance to LC? Whatevs, no sooner than they go inside and sit down, LC gets a call saying that her interview at Teen Vogue has been moved up from 5:00 p.m. to 20 minutes from right now!! EGADS!! LC rushes around to get ready and then we see her arriving at Teen Vogue. She interviews with West Coast editor, Lisa Love. LC does her best to make a good impression and the interview is pretty blah. Not horrible, but you get the distinct feeling that Lisa Love would not be interviewing a lowly potential intern if it wasn't for the MTV camera crew.
Upon returning to her lovely abode, LC is introduced to Audrina by her pet Heidi. I hate that Audrina asks LC what intern she applied for. It's an internship, but whatevs. They quickly adopt Audrina into the crew. We then see the girls and some dudes I won't even bother remembering, but one of whom is Heidi's boyfriend, out at dinner. Convo seems pretty boring.
Soon (the next day?), LC gets a call from someone at Teen Vogue, saying that she's putting Blaine on the line. Turns out Blaine is some sort of editor. He tells LC that he wants to give her some feedback on the interview. He makes the buildup like she's not going to get the position, telling her that a Teen Vogue intern needs to be able to write, have experience, etc. He finishes by offering LC an intership, which she quickly accepts. Did anyone else notice how he seemed so disgusted during the whole conversation. He gives off the whole 'even though everyone knows you aren't qualified, we'll throw you this bone because we want Teen Vogue to be on MTV every week and a million times on weekends so that people will go out and buy each issue' vibe.
Immediately, LC is put to work with another intern, Whitney. I think it's funny how their outfits must be critiqued and tweaked before they are allowed to enter Lisa Love's office. Anyway, she tells them that they must be on their best behavior at all times, or their asses are grass. She then tells them that they will be working the party that evening and, above all else, they are there to work, not socialize, and there should be no sitting around and hanging out. Seems easy enough, right?
When LC mentions that she has to work the party to pet Heidi, Heidi immediately asks if LC can get her and some friends into the party. LC responds in a very mature fashion. She tells pet Heidi that she does not want to do something stupid that would jeopardize her internship just to get them into a party. Well, on the night of the party, Whitney is working the door/red carpet and LC is in charge of guarding the VIP section (a bunch of ottomans with pillows strewn about). No one was allowed to sit in the VIP section. Well, whadday know? Just then Heidi calls, saying that she (and 3 other people, including Audrina) was outside, and could LC please, please PLEASE sneak them into the party? I was withing for LC to say no and send them packing. Instead, she gets Whitney to let them into the party. Mistake #1. Once inside, instead of mingling with other guests and acting like they belong, we are treated to Heidi's screeching greeting of LC (after all, they hadn't seen each other in like 2 hours). Mistake #2. Next, Heidi and one of the guys get into a screaming fight. Mistake #3. The group then mills around LC, and they all (including LC) wind up kicking back and relaxing on the special VIP ottomans. Mistake #4. What was she thinking? All she had to do was stand around and keep people off some ottomans. She even got those idiots into the party, uninvited. Of course, Blaine witnesses the scene caused by Heidi and dude. Then, horror of horrors, Boss Lady (Lisa Love) sees them all chilling in the VIP. She comes over and quietly reprimands LC, saying that they will discuss it on Monday. It seems like she really wanted to say, "I can't fire you (yet) because of my deal with MTV, but I will make you pay."
When Boss Lady walks away, LC looks all worried and Audrina is all, "Was that who you work for?" Who did she think it was, Santa Claus? I love LC, but I hope she gets chewed out for that. She let those dumb friends of hers walk all over her and she messed up the easiest job assignment EVER. Guard chairs!! WTF?

P.S.- LC, please change your ridiculous ringtone. You are an MTV employee, can't you get a freebie? Don't they have ringtones on the website or something? Interns at Teen Vogue may be able to get away with that crap, but you'll never make it to (real) Vogue and the night of a thousand Wintours with "Anyway You Want It" by Journey playing whenever an important call comes through.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A look back: America's Next Top Model Cycle 6, Episode 1

Last night, there was nothing on tv, so I caught the first episode of America's Next Top Model- Cycle 6. Anyway, I think I must've missed this episode the first time around. I was amazed by some of the people that actually made it out to California. I would definitely try out for this show if I was 2" taller. At just under 5'6", I don't quite meet their requirements. That said, some of these women did not even remotely resemble a model. Granted, it's possible that they look different in person, but models need to look good on tv and in pictures, too. I honestly thought you needed more than just height and a nice (read:thin) body to be a model. I thought you had to have a pretty face. And not just 'Sears catalog' pretty (I'm talking to YOU, Dani), but actually striking. Dammit, I wish I was at least 5'8", I would SO be in there. Case in point: Dr. Yvonne (or whatever her name is), the emergency room doctor. I'm sure she is absolutely brilliant, and I commend her for making it through med school and residency while maintaining a pretty kick-ass body. That said, the face just wasn't there. I partially blame it on the fact that the ladies were responsible for doing their own makeup for the beauty shoot. I mean, her face was at least 4 shades darker than her neck and shoulders. However, who really thought that she could be America's Next Top Model? That's just delusional.
Speaking of delusional, who the hell did Dani think she was? How can she say that she doesn't believe in affirmative action because the color of your skin should not matter at all, and then, in the very same conversation say that Black people should not work at Abercrombie & Fitch and White people should not work at 'some FUBU retail store', solely based on skin color. What an idiot. I know she's only 18, but let's face it: after she was booted from the show, she probably went back home to Spring, TX, married the high school boyfriend, and commenced having a ton of kids and getting extremely fat. This means that she's probably already on her way to raising the next generation of racist idiots who think that Black people should not work at Abercrombie & Fitch because Black people should not shop at Abercrombie & Fitch. It's really sad. I was so glad when they booted her ass out of there. I was also glad because Danielle clearly was not going to put up with her nonsense, and that might've caused some trouble for (eventual winner) Danielle down the road. I'm not sure how many of you have seen a documentary called "Bangin' in Little Rock", but Danielle is no sucker. I just had to get that off my chest because Dani ticked me off with her complete idiocy. I'm just glad she wasn't even on the show long enough to be on the ANTM website.
Oh, and I loved Leslie. She was so cute with that little duck walk.
P.S.- Does anyone else think that Kari looks like Denise Richards pre-homewrecking and Kathy looks like Michelle Pfeiffer pre-hitting the wall?

How do I love you? Let me count the ways.

I got my DVR yesterday. I am so happy. I love it. It's a shame that it took so long, but that's neither here nor there. I'm already set up to record The Hills and Unique Whips every week. I wish it was time for my Bravo shows (Project Runway, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Top Chef, and Blow Out), but whatever. I am SO excited.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It's a thin line between love and hate

Dammit, Comcast, why must you treat me so? Do I not show you enough love? Do I not pay my bills on time? What is it? Please tell me, and I won't do it anymore. I just called the Comcast people to find out if I could get a DVR box anytime this year. After all, The Hills is starting tomorrow, and I can't trust MTV to air repeats when I need them. What does the Comcast rep say? I'll tell you. She says that they have had the box that I want for weeks and all I have to do is bring in the old one and they'll give me a new one on the spot. WTF!?! You mean to tell me I could've had this thing weeks ago? I am so pissed, yet oddly thrilled that I'll be getting my new box within the next 24 hours.

So it's been 30 years... bite me (a.k.a. Top Chef Season Finale - Part 2)

So what, I don't have my DVR yet. Anyway, I finally got to watch part 2 of the season finale for Top Chef. I really liked it. They brought back my favorite, Stephen, along with the other members of the final 6 (Dave, Lee Anne, Miguel) to help Tiffani and Harold with the final challenge. I missed the first few minutes (thanks, Comcast), but basically they had to draw knives to see who would be on which team for the final challenge. Unfortunately, Tiffany got Stephen and Dave, while Harold got Lee Anne and Miguel. That is not to say Stephen and Dave are not great chefs, but they hate Tiffani the most out of the group (in my opinion). At least they display the most outward hatred towards her (anyone see Dave's infamous "I'm not your bitch, BITCH"?). I think that although Lee Anne and Miguel don't appear to be particularly fond of Tiffany, they would've tried to help her win, if only to prove how professional they are and so they can say, "We put aside our differences and just made it work, blah, blah). Each team had to prepare a 5 course tasing menu.
Team Harold went first, but I really don't remember anything about it. I really don't remember much about his menu. I just remember that the judges loved his beef dish. I'm sure it was all pretty good.

Team Tiffani went second. Tiffani's plans for the tasting menu blew me away. Instead of cooking the standard 5 dishes, 1 per course, she decided to approach each course from 2 different angles and prepared 10 dishes. I couldn't believe it. This is where she began to win me over because I thought she was a jerk most of the time (that's weird coming from me since I love Stephen, but whatever). Everyone is usually too wired and frantic during the elimination challenges that they don't want to go too far out there. They want to have as much time as possible to cook dishes that they are familiar with in order to impress the judges. Tiffani cut the time she had for each course by deciding to make 2 dishes per course. Okay, so it's the day of the Team Tiffani challenge, but wait... where are Stephen and Dave? Cut to footage of the 2 of them out drinking at a bar. Turns out, Team Tiffani (minus Tiffani) went out to drown their sorrows, I mean celebrate the night before the challenge. Footage from the night just showed Stephen and Dave at some bar downing drink after drink at a table covered with empty glasses. The next day, they showed up late and still drunk. They both said something about how they were just going to get through the day, but neither of them put their best foot forward. This is where Tiffani earned even more points in my book. She said that she didn't care how Stephen and Dave showed up- late, drunk, or otherwise- she was still glad to have any help that they could offer her. I thought that was very cool, considering what was on the line. I expected a bitch fit from her, considering the ambitious menu.
At judges panel, blah, blah, blah Harold won. They said the 2 were pretty neck and neck, but Harold's leadership is what put him over. Until the final challenge, I wanted him to win. However, Tiffani's menu was so impressive that I was actually rooting for her.
Anyway, congratulations Harold!!
BTW- I love Tom Colicchio.

I'm a loser, baby... (part 2)

Am I a total loser because I watched the Laguna Beach marathon on MTV on Saturday and Sunday? It only made me realize why I am glad that Kristin's sucky show (yes, I'll call it that even though I never watched it- the premise was dumb) tanked.
Or, am I total loser because one of the MAIN reasons I'm getting DVR is so that I won't miss
The Hills?

Thursday, May 25, 2006

America's Next Top Model Finale (sort of)

Okay, so I remembered that the replay of the old episode of ANTM comes on Tuesday night before the new episode aired every Wednesday night. I knew this. However, I did not remember this until halfway through the episode, so I missed the first challenge (DVR, where art thou? Comcast, I promise to take it all back if you stop holding my DVR for ransom. I didn't mean it!!). I tuned in just in time for the first judge's panel, narrowing the field from 3 to 2. I did, however, get there in time to see Jade get her ass booted from the competition. I really wish I had seen the first half of the show because I read that she completely screwed up memorizing her lines for the commersh and then couldn't even get it straight when they gave her cue cards. Gotta love that! Classic Jade. I was SO glad to see her go. She should've been gone weeks ago, but I'm not the expert ( Nigel, I love you. Email me. I can keep things quiet.). In any case, Jade was gone and it was time for the runway showdown between my girl Danielle and horse-toothed Joanie. More and more, Joanie's jawline is bothering me. It's gotten more square and mannish since she got those shiny new chompers and stopped shying away from the camera. I say, the less face, the better. But I digress. Runway showdown!! I really think Danielle's walk was much better than Joanie's, who just looked tired and over it in the first outfit. In the second outfit, Joanie was wearing flats, so she didn't have to keep looking down to make sure she wouldn't slip on the flower petals. I just don't think she's anything special. Danielle, on the other hand, was stomping around like she's been at it for years. I love her. Anyway, time for judge's panel. Guess what? Danielle won (BTW, did anyone notice how much she looked like Ciara?). I'm so glad she won because she was so much better than Joanie. We don't want repeat of last year's lackluster Nicole win. Man, she sucks. She is just unlikable and completely devoid of personality. Sure, Nik bounced those boobies down the runway, but she can't really be worse than Nicole. And at lest she left an impression. Every week, when the 'My life as a GoverGirl' spot came up, I thought about Nik's jugs bouncing down the runway.
Anyway, a big CONGRATULATIONS!!! goes out to Danielle. And that is all.

Taylor? For REAL??

Okay, so in case you're wondering, I'm still standing strong in my protest of American Idol. However, the fact that I have not seen the show since Chris was kicked off will not stop me from commenting on the results. I love that Taylor won. I think that is sooo funny. I honestly cannot imagine the situation that would involve me paying for anything from Taylor (CDs, concert tix, whatevs). It just could not happen. This guys hs fans? WTF? I just don't get it, but no big deal. I'll watch the first few weeks of next season to see the crazies at the auditions, but that's it. If Taylor is the best that Idol can come up with, I'm over it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The sun will come out, tomorrow...

Is it just me, or is the week crawling by at a snail's pace? It seem like Sunday was two weeks ago, but, alas, today is only Wednesday. Hump day. I wish today was Friday, because then I would only have a few hours of work left before the Memorial Day weekend festivities begin. I don't really have anything big planned. Some friends are supposed to come over Sunday or Monday and we'll cook out at my house. But just the notion of a 3-day weekend where it is socially acceptable (expected, even) to spend the first and last waking moments of each day cradling an ice-cold taste of heaven is so appealing to me. I can't wait. Back in the day, I restricted myself to the more serious stuff. As I got a little older, I began to want to be able to actually remember what happened the night before without having a conference with my friends so that we could piece together our memories of the prior evening to form a composite of the night's events. First, I drank Coronas, but I found them too bitter. And let's be honest, it's not really a beer if you have to pour an ounce of grenadine in the bottle before you can drink it. Next came Foster's because it came in a giant can which was funny (after having a few of them) because the can made everything else seem smaller. It's the opposite effect from what you get with the little airline liquor bottles. Finally, I moved to The Green King. I thought it couldn't get any better until the light version was released and did not taste like old ginger ale. I know I've said it before, but I love it. And that is all for this particular alcoholic rant.